Your partner has disappeared into a game: a survival guide

Has your partner disappeared into a game? Most of the time it is a phase with an expiry date: a new game matters more than it should for a few weeks, then the person resurfaces. This guide helps you through it and also explains how to tell when it is more than a phase.

The first days: what is going on

Long-awaited games get played intensively at first. People who waited want to join the conversation and see what is new. That says nothing about how important you are. Enthusiasm tells you over dinner what happened. Withdrawal does not make it to dinner.

Talk before, not during

The best conversation happens before the game starts. Nobody listens mid-round. Settle four things:

1. Roughly how long? A weekend, two weeks? Better honest than nice.
2. What keeps running? Children, dishes, shopping, the visit to your parents.
3. Which dates are fixed? Dinner together on two evenings, a Sunday walk.
4. How do you get through? A signal that counts: a knock means “this is important”.

Be concrete about pauses: “ten minutes, then I am coming” instead of “in a moment”. And ten minutes means ten minutes.

What to do for yourself

You do not have to wait. Three weeks is long enough for your own things.

Humour beats accusations

An accusation turns a long evening into an argument. A joke shows you have noticed and keeps the door open. Leave a plate with a note by the door. Pin a leave request on the fridge. Or send a small scratch card to the phone. More of this, from an away message to a certificate for surviving it, is at Gone for now.

When it is more than a phase

Most of it passes by itself. The World Health Organization says gaming disorder affects only a small proportion of people who play. It describes three features: impaired control over gaming, increasing priority given to gaming over other activities, and continuing or escalating despite negative consequences. On top of that comes significant impairment in family, work or social life, normally evident for at least twelve months.

So three weeks of intense play is not a diagnosis. Diagnoses are for professionals, not partners and not this guide. Pay attention if any of this shows over a longer time:

• Work, training or bills are left undone for good.
• There is lying about gaming, or secret gaming.
• Planned breaks keep failing even with the best intentions.
• Sleep, meals and contact with others vanish for months.
• You have no energy left or feel alone.

The German initiative klicksafe advises parents to start a conversation without accusations, ask together about the reasons, agree on playing times and seek advice if talks change nothing. That translates well to adults.

Help, for you too

You do not have to wait until your partner is ready. In Germany, the online service DigiSucht is free and anonymous, also covers media use, and is explicitly open to relatives, including partners. In an acute emergency call 112.

How someone gets that much time off is covered in our guide to gaming leave. And if you would rather be part of the plan: preparing for the evening.

Frequently asked questions

How long does a phase like this usually last?

There is no fixed number, it depends on game and person. Ask each other beforehand what is realistic and talk again after two weeks.

Is it normal that I am annoyed?

Of course. You can say so, ideally during a break and specifically: what bothers you and what you would like.

Should I pull the plug?

No. It solves nothing and tends to start a fight. Say what you need instead.

When does it count as an addiction?

Professionals judge that. The WHO names impaired control, priority over everything else and continuing despite negative consequences, normally for at least twelve months. An advice service can help you assess it.

Sources

1. Gaming disorder: Frequently asked questions, World Health Organization
2. Digitale Spiele: Kinder beim Gaming begleiten, klicksafe
3. DigiSucht: Onlineberatung zu Sucht und Medienkonsum, DigiSucht, getragen von Suchtberatungsstellen